Frustration and Weariness

...if I lose 15 pounds like this
I won't need the surgery!

I'm not likin' today. I know its friday and all, which is great...BUT... I feel all restless and tired. I'm having trouble concentrating and looking out the window is making me sad because I'm not out there in the nice weather. It's cloudy out, not too hot, not too cold. Great tennis weather if you ask me. Gonna be going to Albany this evening, no tennis courts. Boo.

On top of that, well, I've told you about the surgery that I'm planning, right? Well, one of the pre-req's is that you follow a certain diet beforehand to get you prepped. It's not a hard diet, no measuring or weird stuff, it's merely this: You eat three meals a day only. No snacks or in-between meals. That's really all there is for now. There's a list of other things too, but I'm trying to develop new habits a little at a time so I'm not overwhelmed.

So I didn't realize how much of a snacker I was till now, plus I'm trying to eat less at each meal too, because I was a real pig. I've taken one of my normal meals and divided it in two for my breakfast and lunch. So I'm eating half as much. I've lost 4 pounds in the last week since I started doing this so it's working, but it's frustrating not to be able to eat when I'm hungry.

My family is helping out; we moved dinner up from 7:30 to 6:30 to make it easier on me so I don't have to wait so long. I eat lunch at 10:30 am, so 10:30am to 6:30 pm is still a long fricken time to wait for dinner. I lapsed and had a snack yesterday - a bowl of ice cream and cake. But other than that I've been doing pretty good, so I'm hoping the snack didn't kill the 4 pounds I've lost.

There's one other problem... if I loose more than 15 pounds I'll be underweight to qualify for my surgery and still have my insurance pay for it. Of course, the bonus to that would be that if I can lose 15 pounds like this I won't need the surgery! *shrugs* What can you do? You know what I mean?
So today is kinda bummin' me out, like I said. Can't wait till I get outta work so I can suffer while not sitting at this desk.

I'm not dead yet.

...The biopsy was almost as horrible as I'dimagined...

   So I'm probably ok. They did the biopsy last week and now I'm just waiting for the results. When the doc was in my boob looking around he found that the lump appears to just be really thick blood. (EWWW!) He also said that it should just go away on it's own. My boob hurt for the whole last week, it's just now starting to feel better. I don't have to step back when people get too close anymore.
   The biopsy was almost as horrible as I'd imagined it. Well, not really, it wasn't that bad after the first two needles, after that it was just weird. He wasn't able to do as much as he wanted; I think he wanted to remove it by sucking it out through a needle. They didn't have any needles the right size to do it with.

   So. I've decided to better myself. Not fully because of the C-word scare, but also because other people around me were doing stuff that I got involved in. My BF's sister was trying to get enrolled in college, and I was helping her with the stuff I've done already, like getting my fafsa pin and filling out the fafsa. We were talking about going to the Art Institute Online, which I would still like to go to, but the cost is too high. I compared that to the local community college and the price seemed to be less, so I signed up over there instead.
   You see how I kinda got drawn in? Anyway, I also decided (and this was closely related to the C-word scare) that I want to get weight-loss surgery if it turned out that I didn't have boob-cancer. Lap-Band surgery to be specific. I qualify, with a BMI of 42. Yeesh. I didn't realize I'd become such a tub-o-lard. I checked out my insurance, and they will cover most of it if I pre-qualify and I have a BMI over 40. Which... I do.
   I'm going to a seminar for it tomorrow night. They'll give me info that I already know, I'm sure... but I have to go in order to start the process. After that I'll call my insurance to start the pre-qualification process. I'm figuring that they'll only pay 90%, which means that I'll have to put up the extra 1000 bucks over that. I'm going to also have to follow a special diet regime for 6 months prior to the actual surgery. They do that to make sure you'll actually keep the weight off after getting the surgery so it's not a waste of time and money.

   That's all for now. I hope you are all having a great day. Oh, and one more thing. I'm going to try to do a video log of the whole surgery thing and post it to YouTube so keep an eye out for it. *hugs*