Thursday, May 01, 2003

Yes folks, I have a goal! Anyone who knows me will know this to be an amazing feat for me! Wishing and hoping is my normal M.O. I have a plan of action. Written in INK! yes folks. A plan. wow.

I will have some extra dollars rolling in over the summer which means I'll be able to fix my credit. This is good, because now that I'm a grown-up and I understand the repercussions of my actions and I won't screw it up again. I was thinking this morning about all the things I want to do in my life and they all seem to stem from one thing. Being financially independant. This of course doesn't require that I have millions of dollars you see, just that I'm able to regulate my own schedule and decide for myself what course my actions take. I only need to be able to support myself and my son and have some flexibility in life and I'll be set! I already know how to acheive most of what I need. I have only to fix some errors made before I had the knowledge I have now.

I was thinking over my job today too. I have this incredible urge to get into tech support, I thought before that it was because I wanted to be a tech. I realized today that that wasn't it at all. I just wanted more money. I still want more money, and if all goes well I will still end up in Tech. If I don't end up there, I'll be happy just the same. This is not my final goal. I don't want to be a techie all my life. I want to be in business. Business is where it all sways anyway. Anytime the future is mentioned in association with me that is where it goes. I want to be an entrepenuer. I want to change things. I want to invent things, and short of this, maybe make them better in the very least. I can and Will do this.

So, I'm outta here for now. I'm on lunch. Much to be done. Bye

Written in the evening:

It came upon my suddenly as I lay here reading. I looked about me and saw the packed remains of another lost home. A flicker of a life that I could have had, with a small and unpleasant family. I'm moving. Again. I feel pain and desolation.
I want to scream my anguish. All I've ever wanted in life is love and security and family. I sit once again, tears falling down my cheeks and clouding my vision, wondering what fate has in mind for me. Thinking that I must not be worth so much that every person casts me aside in so much time. Thinking that I have no real normalcy in my life, no permanancy. No long clung to treasures, no loving family memories to pass on to my son and daughter. No desire to create more children to leave this nothing to. No one. No one that I can truly say I trust. I do have friends, friends that I love, friends that dote on me, and friends that I've had for a very long time that may as well be family. But none that I could consider close or trust with my true feelings. So, for now I just cry and dream and pretend like everything's ok. Pretend for this moment that everyone around me is normal and that they aren't suffering too in some small way. I pretend this so I don't have to believe what I hear in my heart, that this is a truly desolate place and the beings here are in purgatory waiting to be born into some wanderless, feelingless void from whence we all came and to which we eventually return.
I feel better now, having drawn these characters on my paper. Letting out some of the demons in my heart.

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