Monday, January 26, 2004


Well, he is out of the picture. He found a college buddy to hang out with instead. No problem. He's still a nice guy. I suppose we can still be friends. He wasn't really my type anyway. He talks too much. We went on a couple of 'dates' I guess is what you'd call them. They didn't go anywhere, not even a peck on the cheek.

I wonder though, if it didn't have something to do with the fact that I'm not religious. I don't know this, but I get the feeling that people can tell that I'm not. Not to mention that anytime someone brings up church, I cringe. It's not that I don't believe in a higher being. I definately do. Really. I'm just not sure I believe it in the way that most people do.

I don't have the answers and I'm sure that the red-faced preachers don't either. They are about as interpretative as lawyers are with the constitution. Yeah, sure there's some truth in it I'm sure. Once you filter down through the ages and many other peoples' word on it. Maybe had I gotten involved within a hundred years or so of it's manifestation I might have believed it. Believed in it even. I think as it stands now though it's filled with as much bullshit as hamburgers at McD's are filled with anything other than beef.

So maybe I don't get to first base because on a general level, the opposite sex is feeling my void of a soul where my belief system should be. Where it used to be when I believed all the weird stuff my Gran used to fill my head with. I had a belief system growing up, and eventually I will make myself whole again, but not now though. I think maybe this scares people. They are afraid that because I don't have that 'normal' type of set up, that maybe I'll go out half cocked. Or maybe they think that means I have less morals. I don't have less. I just have a different emphasis on what I think they should be.

A certain ambiguous something is most assuredly out there. One day it will be revealed to us. One day maybe if we're lucky we'll all find out it was there all the time, we were just lacking the comprehension to realize it. Standing right behind us, watching us while we sleep. It waits like a creature from the 5th dimension. Invisible, yet alive. Sentient, yet unintelligible to us common creatures in this lackluster, believe-in-one-god, and only-believe-in-him-or-her-in-just-the-right-way-or-you'll-go-to-hell world. So immense in creation and so large in spirit that it encompasses all that you see and hear and will ever hear, in one blink, in one breath, in one motion. Like the thoughts that flit across your mind in the middle of the day while you daydream of love and life and happiness.

My love life as it were is just too haphazard for me to put any stock into. So, as such I have not been doing such a thing with anyone I meet. Nope. No love life. Although I can say that I've got alot of pals, and that makes me smile. You guys are great!

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